That Time Ms. Frugal Asian Made Me Cry

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THAT WITCH.

Hahahahaha hi! Welcome to another marriage post

I don’t even like writing about marriage…I don’t have much to say. Everything is groovy here (warning: this is a pointless post.)

But every time Ms. Frugal Asian writes about it, I want to write my own response post to hers. I didn’t tell her about this post (so no permissions, spicy!) I wanted to give her pregnant self a good scare.

There was one particular post that I really liked by her called “Did You Win the Husband Lottery?”

I’ve probably mentioned it here a few times before already, that’s because I like it so much.

I thought that post was so slept on, like come on. It should be featured on either Women’s Day or RSF or PoF’s Sunday Best or Women Who Money or…all le above. I talked to my husband about why I thought it was a great post, I thought he would love it.

Strangely (maybe not so strangely) it wasn’t a splash with my Hippo.

I read this out loud to my Hippo:

My life is like the rain,

Some drops fall into a well,

and some fall into a beautiful garden.

My life is like the rain,

Some drops fall onto a castle,

and some fall onto a rice field.

I couldn’t even keep my eyes from watering while I was reading it. Plus I thought it was a clever example of what’s it was like for women in the old days. I looked at Hippo for emotional affirmation and he stares *blankly* at me. Usually, he’s more sensitive than I am so I thought he would totally get it.

I said to him, “but do you get it?”

“No…”

I was like, “What’s not to get?”

“….I don’t get it.”

“COME HERE, YOU NEED TO READ THIS YOURSELF.”

“You’re across the room and it’s so far away and I’m afraid if I go over there, you’re going to pinch me.” (I was pinching him earlier.)

“Har har. Funny. Just get over here.”

Mr. Hippo waddles himself over to me and starts reading.

“Get it now?”

“No….I don’t get it. ”

“HOW CAN YOU NOT-raindrop!! We’re raindrops!!!

“Honey the screaming is not helping!”

He eventually gets it after I piledriver the point home but wasn’t slightly frazzled by the post like I was. What the heck…

Talking to a Reader/Blogger

Initially, I dismissed it as “well, he’s a normal dude, he probably doesn’t care about this” so I asked for a female opinion from a former FI/RE blogger (E.C. is her name) and her response was similar to hubby’s nonchalance, except more pragmatic. I met her a few weeks ago briefly and we have been talking on messenger. She dropped a straight truth bomb on me.

“Oh my god, you’re so American [to feel guilty about falling into a garden]. In China, all girls and all girls parents wants their daughter to marry a millionaire. But in America, you have to have a story, you have to be self-made, they make it the biggest deal. I think Chinese people care about the end result.”

Oh that’s very true! (Yeah EC is really smart.)

Americans love anyone who resembles “coming up and living the American Dream” trope. It’s almost a perfectly dangerous, paralyzing, obsessive, black and white toned thought process. We are super obsessed with the ideals of self-made man because it’s so much more romantically portrayed as “justice” that we could discredit anyone better off…for being randomly born better off.

So basically she said I felt frazzled by Ms. Frugal Asians husband lottery post because I felt guilty about being that fortunate raindrop dancing in the garden. This as opposed to what is…probably a super turbulent time for many adults who grew up under my circumstances. My reaction was to deny it but then I realized E.C. was totally right. I’m as pro-USA-all-the-way as a Chinese immigrant could get. I ingrained myself to think like an American with American values (ie. boot strapin’ self-made man.)

How Do You Know It’s A Garden?

CUZ I JUST KNOW.

Within 2 seconds of meeting my husband, I pretty much knew he was the One for me. Actually, I was trying to deny it! I was still dating Mr. Executive at the time so I thought…“No way, put those thoughts away, you and this new guy will never happen for 2,439,043 reasons.”

Pfftt!

I should trust my own instincts more. I, Mrs. Leeroy Jenkins, has very strong instincts after all.

After we met, everything flowed together, obstacles quickly removed or faded away on its own. We moved in together fast and we got married even faster too.

So far, to date, we’ve only known each other for a wee bit over 3 years. Most people date that long before marrying and we’re in year 2 of marriage already.

Everything worked out to us sitting and chillaxing on the couch every Friday night. Easy peasy.

Chalk it up to the randomness of the universe. It’s just how life worked out. I ain’t complaining! (Except when I am complaining hahaha.)

There was very little actual struggle to get here so I believe people are (generally) right.

Love is easy when it’s right.

Even our families get along. I was afraid of the whole “interracial/cultural” thing would be an issue because it caused so many problems with my other friends. That makes the guilt worst, I got so lucky with Hippo’s frugal parents.

Pointless Post for Pointless Guilt

The end result isn’t going to change. I still fall asleep every night with no real problems and I wake up to a kiss goodbye from hubby every morning before he goes off to his chocolate factory. Our biggest toll to date was when he threw his phone at me and that has long since blown over.

I’m no heavenly saint, in fact, I can be a brat sometimes. Just ask my husband…but I do feel super bad when normal deserving women (and men) have the misfortune of infidelity or family tragedies that put them through unnecessary pain. That kind of divorce stuff stays with me for weeks afterward, I don’t know why I’m so sensitive to this stuff. It’s probably just guilt…

The whole raindrops thing made me very very sad because some raindrops get to land in the garden and some into the garbage with no guaranteed attribute to justice.

I got raindrop guilt…as stupid as that sounds.

There’s probably a bunch of really horrible people out there who go around getting way more than what they deserve. Where’s their guilt? This world has no morality or justice. Why should I let myself feel this way then? Most people don’t care about their marital fortune so I should definitely not care/feel guilty about it either.

I don’t want to go into a discussion on how random the universe is. That’s totally pointless too. What’s there for me to do? Host a how-to-land-a-perfect-husband training camp? How?? What??? Who is going to take my advice?

I didn’t really have a point to this post. What am I supposed to say to make everything OK?

Life is what life is.

We all react to things differently and I reacted in particular to Ms. Frugal Asian’s post strongly since it’s what I’m been trying to iron out internally. It was surprising to me that others weren’t as impacted like I was. I guess the real question should be: do you suffer from raindrop guilt? 



35 thoughts on “That Time Ms. Frugal Asian Made Me Cry”

  • You are very lucky indeed that 1) you found the right man and went with your heart and 2) your family was forward thinking enough not to place obstacles for an interracial marriage. I know you have read my financial mistake posts on my blog and saw that I was not so fortunate in this regard as I was subject to extreme pressure to marry within my race (and you saw how that turned out to be the worst mistake I have ever made in my life both financially and emotionally).

    I am currently in a very serious relationship of MY choosing and this happens to be interracial as well (she’s Asian (Korean to be specific)).

    Even despite the hell my mom caused me she still doesn’t give approval for this (and to be honest I really don’t care about her opinion at all anymore as the damage was done and never repaired from her insistence on the arranged marriage). Some people will never get it. She still thinks she can make a better decision than me. Fortunately I have grown much older and wiser than I was when I first caved in to her desires

    But yes I finally feel I have found the one and it makes all the difference in the world. We are coming up on our 4th anniversary next month and this past month I just purchased THE ring (she knows about it and we plan to be engaged on our 5th anniversary)

    Thanks for providing the blueprint for what to strive for. I hope the 2nd time is the charm and we follow in your footsteps

    • YES! Helluva update!! 👏👏👏👏 You went through a lot and no I don’t think you should listen to your mother on this either! I can’t believe family pressure is that high!

      Why 5th anniversary? Is it legal stuff?

      • 5th anniversary because it actually kind of works for our mutual time line and we both thought it was a milestone anniversary and make it special (plan on a major trip either to Hawaii or someplace exotic (did Bali a couple of years ago which was amazing with her).
        Yeah unfortunately family pressure is incredibly high with Indian parents. Especially if they are the generation that grew up over there. My generation is essentially the first generation in America so it’s basically a paradigm shift in culture.

  • Aww this is such a nice surprise for me on Tuesday morning hehe. I didn’t know your cried over the post. I think I did when I was writing and editing it too.

    Don’t feel guilty about having a happy marriage. Or if possible, you can channel the guilt into more love and care for your hubby, which I’m sure you are already doing. 😉

    Divorce is sad not only for the couple and their kids but also for their extended family and friends. At least that’d be true for me.

    Just stay happy with your Hippo, and everything will work out 🙂

  • Men can be quite dull sometimes. I don’t get why I made my wife cried sometimes. Maybe I am just an insensitive robot. All in all, our experiences dictate what we value and we tend to compare what we have with people that we know.

    I tend not to feel guilty when I have more that others nor jealous when other have more than me. What’s important is we are content and satisfied with what we have. Sometimes we are lucky and other times we are not. It all balances out at the end.

  • Hey this post is like my brain! Yay ADHD!

    This is a fun break from all the dollars and cents. Marrying the right person is the most important financial decision (or decision, period) you make. Hitching your wagon to a lame donkey is a disaster.
    Moose recently posted…How FIREy is Your City?

  • So I interviewed my husband about how he feels about it. The conversation quickly shifted to if time travel is possible (of course). This is what he thinks “It doesn’t matter for that one aspect (money). In this case you’re born with it you have it or you’re self-made and you have it. But the person who is self-made has something more than money. They have ability. So, the self-made person is money+ability, the other person is just money.”. I sorta agree 😉
    EC recently posted…Aurora Watching Trip

    • Stop outsmarting me, woman!!! “They have ability. So, the self-made person is money+ability, the other person is just money.” Amazing answer!

  • I liked Mrs. Frugal Asians post also. This weekend will mark 25 years married for us. I am sure that I love this man more than 25 years ago. He is wonderful! Not perfect but wonderful to me. Did I win the husband lottery? I am not sure m. We were talking about it and I was at a maturity level and prayed for and also would not date anyone without certain qualities. Some qualities have been revealed over time and some I saw then. My pastor said pray to God to show you his heart. I did and that man loved his family and me. He still does very much. I hope that I give him what he gives me. I am trying to. I feel very grateful!

  • CLICKBAIT!!!!!! She’s not a witch! I can attest that she’s a wonderful woman. 😁😁😁

    On a serious note, as a 23 y/o guy. It was a post that I actually thought about a lot. It was something quite depressing when I made my first big score. “You’re rich now, make sure you hide it. Because a lot of bad people will be after you if they find out”.

    With 相亲 (Thank God not parents, just well meaning business contacts/social circle) I’m more on guard than normal. Even then with friends, I hide or explain away certain things: gifts, attire etc. I’m not sure WHAT to say.

    Maybe when I find the one that I know likes me for me 裸婚 will be a better option. 😅

    I for one quite enjoy these posts. My self reflective and sentimental nature wholly approves.

  • Ok, I think we may have the same husband. Some things go right over Mr. DS’s head, “I’m not sure why you are crying hun? I just don’t think it warrants any tears.”
    Me, “I don’t know if I need a hug, 6 shots of tequila (I don’t like tequila), 4 cups of coffee, a big nap, or a really long cry.”
    Mr. DS, “Well, you’ve already done the cry thing…so you can scratch that one off the list. Can I give a hug and make you some coffee?”
    Yes, I’ll take his calmness, patience, and other strengths any day and be thankful there’s only 1 of me in our relationship! We’ve known each other almost 19 years…been together as a couple for 15…so I think he has me figured out fairly decent!
    I have not ready Ms. FAF’s post (nor know her yet!) and so I will have to get over there! Side funny story – when I first started getting into the blogging circle online, I thought her name was Ms. Frugal AF (As F***)! Oops! Sorry Ms. FAF! Although I think it’s a cool nickname too!

    • Lol Frugal AF is not a bad name at all 😉

      “We’ve known each other almost 19 years…been together as a couple for 15…so I think he has me figured out fairly decent!”
      Such a long time!! I am…oddly jealous. Those are some bragging rights.

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