…And the Hippos Were Frozen in Their Tanks.
It’s a pretty awkward topic today guys. Feel free to read this under the guise of night.
I went to a board game/dinner gathering with some of my husband’s coworkers. Now, these are wickedly smart people employed at “Oooooogle.” I mean that because as I was playing board games with them and I noticed they processed information faster and found ways to strategize much better.
For example, the team leader read the generic game introduction once, understood all of it, and after the first round decided instead of winning again (he won the first round), he was just going to troll everyone for fun.
He adjusted his strategy for me because he noticed I was holding onto some cards and not letting them go. So he decided to troll everybody for his amusement in the meantime. He won the second round by starving me out.
This entire game ended within a 2 minute period. I can’t even put my clothes on properly in 2 minutes and he won, trolled, and won again. Naturally, it is likely that cognitive speed and ease of problem-solving that got them securely nestled in a company that only hires the top 1% of talent in any given market.
Another thing I noticed about this crowd…because I’m creepy…
In a group of 14 or so intelligent, well off, board game loving adults in their 30s…none of them had children or even close to considering it as anything but in the far distance. They were all around my husband’s age.
Granted I don’t know many people but…where in the world are the babies? Are dogs better? (Yes hahaha.)
Despite Mr. Executive’s life & career success (he was employed for Oogle before leaving to start his own company) he made it clear he did not want children.
Thanks to my husband’s social circle – I would say I know some very intelligent tech-minded people. Not very many of them have children. This was something researchers looked into and the research always finds there is a negative correlation between IQ and fertility for some reason.
“It is alleged that, without migration, the average IQ of the US population will decline by about 0.8 points per generation.” [source]
I remember bits of this in developmental class in college. This isn’t the main point of the post but I will add what I remember which is that “average” IQ will decline very slightly… but honestly, it just looks more like a widening gap between IQ.
(Geez, it’s weird that this is what’s happening with the disappearance of the middle class, the middle is being dugged out. Hmm…so yeah…this is the stuff I think about at night…)
We’re might be getting dumber “on average” but individual differences are much larger than the silly average.
We probably end up with a smaller cohort of people with high IQs and a slightly larger cohort of people with average to lower IQs (which might be why there’s a small decline on average.)
You can gauge the lower “kid count” from the financial independence / retiring early community. This shouldn’t be shocking news to anyone.
Back on Topic!
First of all, my husband (his name is Hippo from now on because that IS the actual name we use for him in real life haha) — my husband, Mr. Hippo, turned the big 30 a little more than 3 months ago. He is 3.5 years older than I am.
Research has shown that quality of sperm declines quicker and quicker as you age. Reproductive peak in both genders peak from teen to your 20s.
I told my husband yesterday morning that I was planning to write about our plan to freeze sperm. He gave me the saddest face, rested his head on the edge of the bed for 2 minutes, looked up, and agreed.
This is essentially what happens if you’re married to me: I will write about it.
He asked, “Is that related to personal finance?”
I said, “It’s personal and it has the word ‘banking’ in it.”
I wouldn’t say this topic is a specialization of mine. Like at all. But I did some research on it for me and my husband.
I bought up the subject of freezing sperm when Hippo was 28 but he was more reluctant at the time. Now that he is feeling the sting of 30, I asked again earlier this week and he agreed. Even better, his employer Ooooogle offer incentives for reproduction services such as sperm banking.
Remember the headlines last year that companies like Facebook and Apple are offering ‘financial aid’ (aka extra incentive) to working women who wanted to freeze their eggs.
That’s kind of cool I think!
I mean, your employer seems to care enough to offer monetary incentive to keep your career driven, tech talented, intelligent, very socially awkward self genetically alive.
Storing sperm does cost money. It’s not ultra-expensive but it is a cost. The original depositing trips will be treated on paper like a normal doctor visit and will be free after copay.
We also found out his employer offered 3 years of free sperm storage, after that it will be out of our pockets. It’s not a tremendous perk but it’s something. It costs about $400 per year for sperm storage in the Seattle area.
Hey, that’s still better than Public Storage rates!
So our plan for storing the baby gravy:
1. Oogle a local sperm storage facility. (Easy, done.)
2. Set up an appointment ($$) and they will run some tests for STDs and Hep. The cost of it varies by location and it’s per session after the cost of the initial appointment usually.
3. Each trip for us would cost $460 and it’s standard to do it…6 times. There goes our entire copay. That’s the cost of a trip to Disneyland, dangit.
4. It’s 6 times because about 50% of the baby gravy is killed during the freezing process.
5. Even with Oooooogle’s free baby gravy rental, we are looking at about $3,000 after tax…and tip. (HAHAHA I crack myself up.)
6. After Oogle’s rental trial is over – it will cost us out of pocket $400/year to keep the sperm housed in suspended frozen comfort. Gosh…I wonder what they do with the non-paying customers. Do they dump it out on the sidewalk…?
7. I’m having too much fun with this.
So is it worth the trouble?
That’s a very personal question. Are you asking me? Because I’m going to say yes!!!!!!!!
I’m the girl and I don’t have to do anything. My poor husband will turn into that familiar shade of raspberry when he gets to the lab but he will just have to get over it.
Besides the joy of torturing my husband and all at the same time showing tender loving appreciation for his genes and wanting to preserve him forever…yes I think it’s a small price for a backup plan.
Just gloating now…
I love my Hippo. He’s smart (most of the time) and more importantly, he is a really really good person. Take my word for it, I am living with him. He is one of those people who knows not a single drop of malice. He wouldn’t kill a spider or steal a grape. The unfortunate thing is…well he is too nice. That’s why I’m protective of him. I grew up differently than he did. My world was rougher so I maintained a very negative view of people until I met him and I thought…aw, what a sweetie-pie.
Plus, from a technical point of view…he has a great family history. No one in the family smokes. No one does drugs. There are no known genetic illnesses besides a little gunk in their heart and some mild autism. He is in better shape than his nickname suggests. His family generally very tall and well read. The great majority of his family is university educated. Hippo went to school at UC Berk and floated through. He works at Oooooooogle even though that boy half asses on pure luck sometimes.
He’s the best sperm donor any girl could ask for so I consider myself pretty lucky. But that’s not even half compared to how great of a father he would be too! I just walked straight into a freaking MIRACLE territory!
being real hating…
As much as I love my husband, I don’t…myself. Most of the time, I’m glad I am an only child (born under China’s One Child policy.)
For the last 2 years, I bought up the topic (multiple time) hoping I can get him to have a baby with someone else. Like…someone else’s egg and then they carry it to term and I keep the final result. Basically, I would like to cradle rob someone. He flat out said no. I told him it’s not a trap but he still said no. (It’s really not a trap.) It would be EASIER if he just did what I said instead of me pulling my tricks…
I gave my case to Soaps and some other friends about it and Soaps said the same thing and called me crazy. Then my mom got a wind of my idea and no one was happy.
My master plan here is to wait Hippo out. Like I mentioned in the last post, I’m not having kids unless I prove myself somewhat successful. No, I’m not kidding and I strongly doubt I would regret not having my own kids. I think I’ve hatched this plan when I was 16.
Since I don’t want kids of my own (genetically) but I have 10 years before the recommended range for reproduction ends (age 36 for women) I need to buy my time and get that excuse…essentially, I will be waiting Hippo out.
The only thing that matters to me is my husband. All I need to do is keep the backup files on him and make sure they’re good.
Hippo’s smart. He probably sees through my scheme.
But he can’t control what I’m going to do because it’s my body and it’s my career. HA! I’m smart sometimes & bless you science! I’m pretty determined on this but I don’t tell people because it’s just super…none of anyone’s business 😏
We have the money…
Ayy, we’re not the broke millennial stereotype. The mini-problem down the road is simply finding a nice egg donor so I can have my not-me-but-hubby baby. I don’t even have to carry the baby, hubby will pay someone to do it because he’s worried about my determination for home births despite my very small stature.
We have ample time once his gravy is frozen. We have the $$ money for it. If any FI women out there want to make a fat buck, I might come knocking on your door for eggs if we’re still blogging friends years from now. FI women, because I respect y’all tons!!! 🙂
Wait, what do girls have to do?
I’m not going to be participating in any of this nonsense but I watched a part of the video on the female egg process and it’s not as pleasant as the dude’s process of donating sperm. The female reproductive system is a little more cryptic.
When the video said, “they will stick a sharp extraction needle up your…” I was done. Good-bye, good luck with that. You betterize that science in a decade and maybe more girls will play ball. Eeesh.
I made a stupid joke that I don’t think anyone will get unless they’ve read the Hippos book. It basically means ‘the complete, ridiculousness of a certain scene’…much like most of modern science. (<- YouTube channel that is amazing and everyone should subscribe to support.)
Readers, almost everything major in life that I do has a longterm plan behind it. I can’t tell everybody about my life or every experience that has shaped me but I hope someday my husband would see my side of it…not that it matters because I’m going to get my way soooo…;) What do you think? Has anyone donated sperm or frozen their swimmers?